The Life Master Cleanse

I’m sick.

I’m dizzy and lightheaded and nauseous and crampy and feverish and achy and it hurts to swallow. But when all of those things subside, I will still be in a good place; one of the best places, life-wise, I have been in a long time.

I’ve been putting some pretty kickass things into practice in my life of late, you see. And together, they are making me less of a gigantic afro-topped mess and more into a person that resembles an adult. A together adult.

I call it The Life Master Cleanse, partly because I couldn’t really think of a less douchetastic name and partly because I think it just fits. And because I am not one of those people who say they want to help you and then charges you an arm and a leg for that help, I’m going to give it to you for free. It won’t be dressed up with fancy words like “enlightenment” and “emancipation” and it will be distinctly affirmation-free because I’m just a regular girl living a regular life and cannot promise that what is working for me will work for you too.

I’m just putting it out there and letting you guys read it over. If it does you some good, then that’s awesome; kind of like a blog nut feeder.

Get your cleanse on, y’all.

The Life Master Cleanse

1. Realise that you need to make some changes – Well duh. You can’t move forward (“move forward doesn’t sound too “self help-y”, does it? I was going to say “progress” but that smacks of the asshole) if you’re sailing merrily down the river of Denial. It’s a pleasant ride, I’ve taken it myself, but it ultimately leads you to the Waterfall of Doom. Step back, open your eyes and realise that your life needs a teensy bit of a tune-up. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human and after human comes bad ass. Hear me? Bad. Ass.

2. Ditch the Big Things mentality – Some folk will have you believe that you need to repaint your life in an unrecognisable colour. That you need to make monumental changes in order to feel accomplished. That’s crap. Start with the little things, the manageable things, the stuff that niggles at you: making your bed every morning, responding to your emails as soon as they arrive, things that seem little but when slotted together, transform into a Big Thing.

3. Get rid of shit – Those clothes you bought for when you finally lost those 10lbs that hang mockingly in your wardrobe, your high school papers that you inexplicably keep “just in case”, the books you never ever, ever read any more but still clutter your shelves; nix that junk. Declutter your surroundings and streamline where you can. There is something incredibly freeing about having some extra space, ever if you’re just going to fill it again with new, useful stuff. Me? I just sold a bunch of stuff on eBay, a cleaner room AND extra money? Amen.

4. Limit your junk intake – I’m not just talking about food here. I also mean the trash you’re fed through certain books, through certain TV shows, through the new, through social media and the Internet. Give your brain a break. I do mean food and drink too though. I’m not saying give it up for good (it’ll be cold day in hell the day I give up hot wings and cheesecake) just introduce the word “moderation” into your vocabulary.

5. Step into healthy – Find a form of exercise that doesn’t make you want to stamp on puppies. Find healthy and nutritious foods that don’t make you want to brain yourself against the kitchen counter (almonds, romaine lettuce, corn thins and lean turkey work for me). Drink water. And peppermint tea. If all else fails, stick your headphones in and go for long walks. It’s autumn and with J Cole blasting in your ear, you won’t feel like you’re exercising at all, pinky swear.

6. Clean up your act – Literally. Vacuum the floors, do your laundry, scrub the cooker and, dare I say it; iron that mountain of clothes that has been growing for the past three months. It’s hateful work but you know what else? It’s therapeutic and will leave you with a clean and organised living space where you can get shit done. And if you don’t believe me, just ask me how much writing I’ve done since I cleared all the junk off my very fancy glass desk.

7. Be a little selfish – Indulge in yourself. Take time for yourself. Do the things you like to do. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about yourself now and then. It doesn’t make you Satan. You’re entitled.

8. Get rid of shit #2 – See number 3? That goes for people too. That friend that makes you feel awful that you keep around simply because you’ve known them forever – bye. That co-worker that rolls her eyes at all your awesome ideas – see ya. That cousin that holds an Olympic Gold in Schadenfreude – ciao. There will be more room in your life for people deserving of your friendship, your time, and your awesome ideas. The rest can suck it.

9. Get involved – Comment on the blogs you read, talk to your friends on twitter and Facebook (if you don’t, they shouldn’t be there), be more present in your relationship and your friendships. If you have a blog, revamp it. Brainstorm and plan and bring your idea to life with help from others if you need it. Set small, very achievable goals and watch as you reach them one after the other after the other.

10. Get on top of your monies – You don’t even need a savings account. My Dad saved every £2 coin that came into his possession for a year and by the end had over £500. This was in addition to all his fancy grown up ISAs and such. These days, instead of needing a shot of scotch before checking my account balance, I make sure I do it every couple of days. Knowing whether or not I can afford a pair of shoes a particular month brings me untold amounts of joy.

11. Have an outlet – Because let’s face it, life can be godawful and stress can rain down on you with the wrath of Zeus. Whether it’s your blog or your paper journal or soaking in the tub or ranting to your friends or significant other, it’s important you have a way of letting off steam that won’t land you in jail (because punching hobos is not allowed…unless they deserve it.)

Disclaimer: I’m not a self-help guru. I’m not any type of guru. I’m also not a “life coach”, a term that elicits almost as much rage in me as the word “capitalism” or “Hitler” or “surcharge”. Chances are, everything I listed above are things you already know or are already putting into practice. If so, kudos to you. These little things are making huge differences in my life. The Life Master Cleanse, y’all. Get you some.