23 Things of which I am Guilty (but will probably never change).
1. Dividing the world into two groups: those who like HBO’s The Wire and those who
are too lacking in common sense, taste and finesse to like it do not like HBO’s The Wire.
2. Falling asleep with the television on (praise be for auto-switch off).
3. Eating the entire bag of almonds. Because I defy you to eat just one. Or five. Or 16.
4. Judging those who wear leggings as pants*.
5. Being automatically suspicious of most people I meet.
6. Wishing I had the power to cause spontaneous combustion with nought but a look (this usually occurs whilst driving or commuting via London Underground.)
7. Spending almost my entire weekend in sweatpants and a hoodie (oops, better stop this as y’know I might head out to my local corner shop and get shot).
8. Speaking gibberish to telemarketers before abruptly hanging up on them.
9. Finding Kim Kardashian and her ilk completely superfluous to the human race.
10. Checking Twitter first thing in the morning before even brushing my teeth or stepping in the shower (curse you, smartphones, for you have made this too easy.)
11. Arguing with the Parents Typewriter even when I know they are correct and I am being a contrary idiot.
12. Spending at least an hour a week planning how I will spend my inevitable lottery win.
13. Mentally condemning David Cameron to the ninth circle of hell.
14. Remaining prostrate in bed although my bladder is about to explode just because
I am lazy I have put on my pyjamas and the bathroom might as well be on the other side of the world.
15. Finishing terrible, terrible books because I cannot seem to start a book and not finish it, no matter how godawful it is (Stephanie Meyer, I’m looking at you.)
16. Procrastinating like it is a sport and I am an Olympic competitor.
17. Going to sleep angry.
18. Waking up angry.
19. Eyeing those who, by choice, give up all sugar with a mixture of bewilderment and contempt.**
20. Spending too much time inside my own head.
21. Listening to Motown at high volume while working a comb through my ‘fro and make-believing that I am in the 70s and my name is Seraphina Salome.
22. Impulse buying.
23. Judging people by their favourite film (do me a favour and tell me yours; I will do my best to be kind *pained smile*).
23 Ways in Which My Body is Awesome
1. It is topped by a giant, soft afro which means I have a readymade travel pillow attached to my head. You’re jealous. Admit it.
2. My legs are unreasonably long and I love them. Despite not quite being at their former glory, they are still shapely and my best feature.
3. There is a gap between my two front teeth that I inherited from my mother that she inherited from her mother. My sister and aunts on my Mum’s side have it too and so we are all visually linked by a little gap. We’re gorgeous.
4. I have plantar fasciitis, belligerent knees (patella tendinitis), a discordant stomach but none of these stop me; my body adapts and heals so that I can live.
5. My chest is a built-in airbag should that of my car ever choose not to deploy. Praise be for generous bosoms.
6. My ears are too tiny to tuck errant braids behind but are not too tiny to sport big hoop earrings and shiny studs in a double piercing.
7. There are three birthmarks on my body – all identical minute black circles that seem to meander across my skin as and when they feel like it.
8. The brown of my eyes is so dark it is almost black and I feel that this makes me look vaguely mysterious and intimidating. What? Yes it does.
9. I can press 275lbs with my legs. Yup, I’d snap you like a twig between these thighs.
10. I have an African woman’s behind and love everything about it.
11. My eyelashes might not be very long but they are impossibly curly and make me look a little bit adorable (in the right light. And if I not scowling or threatening someone with violence.)
12. I have my Dad’s lips and everything about that man is awesome.
13. My skin, through a combination of favourable genetics and prolonged application of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, is soft to the touch and utterly kissable.
14. My feet are exactly the right size for my frame and height – not too big and not too small.
15. I am 5’9 (almost 5’10).
16. Every scar on my body tells an interesting story (most of which are tales of clumsiness).
17. My smile is rare but I have been told it is fetching. The jury is out on that one.
18. At one point, my body allowed me to do the splits (both box splits and right splits) and also to wrap my leg around my head. I can no longer do these things but the point is that I could and that, my friends, is a feat.
19. My eyebrows need very little tending; they grow in a natural arch. My wallet and feeble pain threshold thank you.
20. My stomach handily swells to the size of a watermelon whenever I overdo it on the pain au chocolat, thus acting as a warning that this is my future should I not learn self control.
21. My body tells me when I have been neglecting or abusing it by simply refusing to work properly until I alter my behaviour.
22. I once carted around an acorn in my hair for an entire day and didn’t notice because my hair was so huge.
23. I never need to tan. Ever.
* and don’t have the courtesy to at least cover their crotch/buttocks area with some type of long shirt so that I am treated to cameltoe/asscrack in all its horrifying glory.
** obviously, if your health depends on the complete expulsion of sugar from your diet then have at it. As for me and my house? We will consume it (in moderation) until the day the good Lord deems to take us.
Kim, Dominique and I created the Scintilla Project, a fortnight of story sharing. Day 9 (prompt a & b) – a: Talk about the ways in which your body is awesome and b: Write a list of 23.
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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