Minefields
When a boy brings you a brand new headwrap and quotes lines from The Fault in Our Stars (aka one of the greatest books that ever existed), you are probably supposed to fall in love with him.
I take this theory to a friend who smells like spiced apple pie and hugs you like you’ll never see him again. He confirms it with the tiniest hint of side-eye and a nod.
He: It means he is paying attention to the things that are important to you like good young adult literature and hair accessories. Or it could mean that he is using the ploy of charm and feigned attentiveness to try and get in your pants.
Me: This is precisely what I do not want. I hate dating. It is a minefield of potential fuckery. I don’t possess the skills required to differentiate between the bullshit and the genuine.
He: You. Unable to detect bullshit. Excuse me while I lol.
Me: Well no, you know what I mean. When it comes to dating, I feel like I am walking a very thin line between meeting someone fabulous and meeting a sociopath intent on destroying what miniscule hope in love I have left. And did you just say “lol”?
He: I understand.
Me: Tell me what I should do here.
He: You should thank him for his gift and next time he quotes from a book you love, you should reward him with some kind of sexual favour.
Me: ….
He: Or you know, just smile and say something noncommittal like “you liked the book too?”
Me: Hm. You know you smell like apple pie, right?
He: I have it on good authority that the ladies like a man that they could eat.
When a boy brings you a brand new headwrap and quotes from one of your favorite books, it can mean something and it can mean nothing at all. Finding out which one it is is supposed to be the fun part, right?
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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I’d say he’s like the sweetest boy ever and you should totally go for it! PS: No boy I have ever liked has done anything even remotely that sweet for me.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 15:29
We shall discuss this in greater detail. I know you’re probably right but I have my wary face on.
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It IS supposed to be fun. Let it be fun, and enjoy the attention.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 15:12
I’m hoping that things become clearer and hence a little less fraught in the coming days and weeks. Fingers crossed, innit?
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Yes, fun is the good part. I say, until you know otherwise, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his intentions are good. He’s probably nervous about it all, too.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 15:11
You raise a good point. I often forget that he might be feeling weird and panicky about this whole thing too. It’s just that I sometimes forget guys have the same sort of feelings after having encountered so many idiots in such a short period of dating.
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It IS! And I like the headwrap. He has a sense of color! Valuable. (And a little rare!)
My god, that was a lot of exclamation points, but I’m not going to get rid of them now.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 15:09
I was so surprised by the headwrap. I was like “how did you know?” and he said “you’ve been wearing one every single time I’ve seen you or skyped with you.” Which of course caused a DUH moment on my part.
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back in my dating days, i used to keep a list taped where only i could see it, a list i would read out loud to myself after each date:
1. is he funny? 2. is he smart? 3. does he kiss like fire?
came the time i could answer yes to all 3 and 20 some-odd years later, we are still together. it sounds simple, but the truth is he was funny in exactly the way i liked, without questioning. he still makes me laugh. he was smart in exactly the things i thought a man should be smart, and he still is. and yes, he still kisses like fire. and he still buys me lunch every day.
and ps – he quoted from my favorite book.
it should be fun. it should be simple. let them quote. you will know,
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 13:33
Favourite comment ♥
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Just always remember that he is trying to get into your pants. It’s a genetic imperative, even if he isn’t aware of it.
The best advice I have ever been given is, “All people are crazy, so find the crazy that you can enjoy and life will be easy. Don’t put up with crazy that you don’t enjoy, otherwise, life will blow.”
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Debbie in London Reply:
October 8th, 2012 at 23:24
That sounds very similar to the advice my Mum gave me, along the lines of ‘EVERYONE has faults. The trick is to find someone whose faults you can live with’.
I was forty before I found that person. His little faults, uh I mean idiosyncrasies make me smile. So far, anyhow (4 years). He of course finds my extreme untidiness and Eeyore like doomladen manner endearing (I think….)
Dating is a minefield, I hated it too, Stereo. But this guy sounds sweet, and presents is always good
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 12:54
Presents are always grand. Although sometimes I am hesitant to accept them because of the other minefield of “owing” someone something. But that’s another story (red: hangup).
I like to think that things are going well with this boy because, as I told a couple of friends, he hates the things I hate (and that always makes for good conversation
)
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 13:03
That really doesn’t help me, Matt! And I also don’t think it’s necessarily true.
But the crazy quote; that sounds like something I can get down with.
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M.A. Brotherton Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 14:14
Well, if you assume every guy is trying to get into your pants, than you can cut that out as a motivation and concentrate on finding the attributes you’d like in a dude that is in your pants.
Of course, taking relationship advice from me would make you almost qualify as crazy enough to date me ;p
Yeah, that piece of advice comes from a friend of mine that’s been married for over 20 years. My parents give me a slight variation of that which is, “Find someone that can put up with your crazy without making you crazier.”
That might be custom tailored to me, though.
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i will be the dissenting opinion and say it is supposed to be fun but i never found it so. i cannot find my sure footing in my feelings with anyone (friends, lovers, other) unless i am positive what field we’re playing on. otherwise i am just confused and nervous and anxious. “not knowing” is not a strength of mine, so i do not blame you if it’s not a strength of yours too.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 13:02
We’ve spoken and we’re on the same page about this. The not-knowing is what makes it less fun. I’m always more comfortable when I am on steadier ground and while I do know that dating is the process that takes you there, I’m far from shitting rainbows and sunshine about it all. No matter how lovely the boy is or how well he understands my literary and fashion choices. Here’s hoping it gets easier.
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“This is precisely what I do not want. I hate dating. It is a minefield of potential fuckery. I don’t possess the skills required to differentiate between the bullshit and the genuine.”
This is exactly, to a T, what I’m feeling. It is supposed to be fun, but it’s so nerve-wracking and confusing that it cannot possibly be so, and I have no idea how to make it fun again.
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 12:56
Worriers unite! Seriously, love, I know exactly how you feel. There are just so many things that leave us feeling nervous or puzzled and it sucks all the joy right out of it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are many elements of fun and I look back on dates and think “I had a great time” but it’s the in-between; the what now? and what does that mean? that has me all -_- about the entire business of dating.
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I am desperate to chit chat with you about WHO THIS BOY IS amongst other things. So much *squee*.
It should be fun. Why not think of it as fun? Why not have the fun and stop overthinking?
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Stereo Reply:
October 9th, 2012 at 12:49
But you know who it is – I showed you a photo and you said he had American swagger on his face
And while I do think that dating has elements of fun, I do have to watch myself. It’s so easy to get swept up in all of this and give away trust too easily. I’ve seen it happen too many times and would rather avoid being in that situation. Does that make sense? I hope so.
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I really, really sucked at dating. Really. But from what I remember, it was all about figuring out whether he “likes you” or “likes you LIKES you”. In this case, I think it’s the latter.
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Could he be a serial killer? I hear they can be quite charming.
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