Matters of the (Dented) Heart
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On Saturday afternoon, I started crying and it took me a while to stop.
It had been a long week of late nights and work pressure and plans for a restful weekend were scuppered by having to drag myself out to IKEA on sale weekend because they messed up my delivery. Perhaps this was the straw that broke what I suppose was this very fragile camel’s back.
The thing about breakups is that they are a quagmire of mixed emotions. It’s sort of like navigating your way through a field littered with landmines where the smallest, most insignificant misstep can leave you bloodied and broken. And so it has been for the last week or so that I have been stumbling upon landmines and bearing the brunt of memories in silence until I am finally broken by a forced trip to a furniture store and an errant dowel.
I’ve been doing the things you’re supposed to do when a relationship ends; following the Post-Breakup Rule Book to the letter and feeling just fine a lot of the time. Except the other times, when I lose my grip on all of the “fine-ness”, are pretty tough and I veer off the rails of recovery ever so slightly. And try as I might, I can’t help but think of things that could have been said but weren’t and make a mental list of the ways in which my time could have been spent that didn’t end with my sobbing quietly on my bedroom floor on a Saturday afternoon.
I have been told that breakups are somewhat similar to deaths in that the future you saw for yourself and for the other is gone and that you have to mourn it and give your permission to do just that. Perhaps I have been a little stingy with the permission; trying to shape my feelings into what I want them to be rather than what they are. I might not necessarily want to ride the wave of emotions when it comes but there’s little I can do keep it at bay. I have to rage and cry and mumble about how unfair it is into my pillow and then I have to keep moving forward.
In times like those, I am loath to step outside of my solitude but doing so has led to comfort in the shape of friends who have offered advice and who have carried my pain for me and when words failed, simply listened which was such a gift. This past weekend, I leaned on friends like a crutch and can’t express my gratitude enough. They let me talk and talk some more and even those separated by oceans (hi, Kim) made me feel like I could tilt my head and find a shoulder on which to rest.
It will take time; this I know and as much as I long for it, there is no fast-forward button to press so that you are transported to the time when you can listen to certain songs and you aren’t fighting back the looming fear of ending up alone or worrying about how much it will hurt when they find someone else. There’s no hop, skip and jumping past the part where you are beset by regret and anger and an overwhelming sadness.
Breakups, even the “good” ones (which I suppose is the kind I experienced) require a healing period. You wade through the quagmire and hope that you come out in tact on the other side.
I should slide in an apology here. This isn’t something I thought I should write about at all but reasoned that I could do so in a respectful and truthful way which is what I hope I have achieved here. It’s been over a month and I know I have a long way to go but TRUST me when I say this blog isn’t going to become some dreadful account of one woman’s trek through post-breakup heartache. I’m pretty private as it is so I think this post will be the extent of my public musings on this subject. Thanks for slogging through even this.
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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The Scintilla Project
How thick am I that I had no idea… Thick, thick thick…
Break ups suck, but they’re.. I don’t know… not the most horrendous thing ever, I suppose. I’m not the best to give advice on how to handle a break-up… I’m pretty bad at it myself. I mean… probably the worst ever. So, don’t do things I do… don’t let it fester at you for a few years before you’re barely still going.
There’s too much to you for that.
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:56
You’re not thick. It’s just not something I was keen to make a “thing” by broadcasting it all over the blog or twitter. I’ve kept it pretty quiet over the last month or so, so please don’t beat yourself up for not knowing. Not many people did.
I’ll have to take your advice. Jaded isn’t a good look for me (at least I don’t think it is).
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I’m on the same boat.. Even good breakups require healing, mourning, and everyone has their good days and not so fine days. hugs..
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:55
*hugs* These are the things I need to keep reminding myself of on days like Saturday when I feel like I failed because my emotions got the better of me.
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Love you.
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:48
Right back at you, gorgeous.
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You know where to find me if you wish to talk. ‘Tis what friends are for…and wayward Uncle-Sorts as well…
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:47
“Wayward Uncle-Sorts”. Love it. Thank you, Mark.
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Oh, my heart…I am so very sorry. There’s nothing sufficient to say, other than that the heart does eventually heal. You are too dynamic and lovely a person not to be the object of delirious, heart-pounding wonder and that soon-to-be-fortunate person is out there searching for you. How lucky for them that you are one step closer to making their life.
Sending an ocean full of love and the offer of a sympathetic ear/eye, should you like.
Brandee
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:47
You robbed me of my gangsta card with the comment, Brandee lol. Seriously, thank you so much for your loving words and for the reassurance that I have you to talk to. This hasn’t been easy and I know there is still a long way to go for me but I will come back to this comment when I need a lift. ♥
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oh, my love. i just…this is all so hard, i know, but there is literally NO ONE i know more capable or tougher than you to handle it. you’re beyond a star, and nothing will dull you, i know that. feel everything you need to, and remember how many people are here that care. <3
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:45
I read this comment yesterday on the way home and thanked the good Lord that it was raining so my tears could be mistaken for raindrops. I love you. You have been a source of comfort to me and there aren’t words to express how grateful I am.
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I have left all of about five blog comments in the past four months while my own life has gone to hell, but here I am. I love you, and I am glad you wrote this and exhaled a little bit. My shoulder, and everything else I have, is yours.
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:43
Your comments may have been few but your support has been endless and I cannot thank you enough for the days and nights you’ve basically held me up. You have no idea what your friendship and all the love and encouragement means to me.
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And here I am needing to say back to you that I had no idea and that I’m so sorry myself. I’m not that far away, an email or a skype. We can ride the waves of emotions together.
(((hugs)))
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:41
Please don’t feel bad. I don’t think most people had any idea. It’s something that I’ve kept pretty close to my chest for the past month or so. I appreciate your friendship so much and don’t be surprised if you don’t have me whining to you via Skype sooner than you think ♥
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Oh dear, it is always so hard. Love is the fiercest and the most fragile of emotions. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, You will anyway, whether you give yourself permission or not. It does get better. Even though there are moments when it feels like it never will, it does get better. Sending hugs and love. xoxo
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:40
Thank you, Kelly. I think that is the hardest part; the feeling that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I have to maintain hope that one day, things won’t hurt so much.
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Well fuck.
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:36
Indeed.
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I wish I had a pocket that you could put your pain into; I could keep it until you forgot you gave it to me. I wish it worked that way, but experience reminds me that first we have to cry alone on a bedroom floor on a Saturday afternoon.
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Stereo Reply:
July 10th, 2012 at 12:58
The fact that you’d let me have that pocket means so much, Michael. I know healing will come eventually, I just wish it would hurry along.
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I’m sorry, Onyi. I had no idea either. I’m missing a lot since my online sabbatical. You know we all love you and are here for you even though it’s hard because so many of us are not PHYSICALLY there for you. But we are here, nonetheless. You are dear. You are so special. LOVE LOVE LOVE and HUGS to you, my friend.
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Stereo Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 11:02
Don’t feel bad, Tracy. This is the first time I have been vocal about it so most people didn’t know. I am so grateful for each and every one of you and know that with your support and encouragement, I will get through this *hugs*
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Oh, sweetie, I had no idea that you had gone through a break-up. I’m so sorry for all your loss and all your pain, but you will get through this and you will be stronger when you reach the other side.
If you need to talk, email me. I’m the break-up queen. Also, if you need to write it out, do. I found a lot of healing in writing out what I was going through post-break up in a way, I hope, was not disrespectful to my ex. The way I see it, the post-break up journey belongs solely to me.
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Stereo Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 11:08
It’s been tough and I know I have a long way to go but I am glad that I wrote this. It was cathartic to do so and although I’m still unsure of if I’ll expand any further online, I do know how great writing is as a tool to get through something like this and will be doing a lot of it privately.
Do not be at all surprised if I lean on you and plague you for advice. I know from what you’ve written that your situation was difficult too and I would be intrigued to know how you got through it.
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Even if this were to become a post-break-up heartache sort of blog, I’d come back to read every day because they’d be your words. I am so sorry about the heartache. I tend to view most losses through the prism of grief because, sadly, I am very familiar with it. If I learned anything through mourning, it was to sit with the pain and wait till I am ready to be “over” it. Any time I rushed through the emotions of “I am fine”, something came back to haunt me months later when I thought I was all healed and whole again. So, write it out, cry it out, send me an email if I can be of help in any way. You are a marvelous human being and people, from lovers to friends, are lucky to love you. I count myself among the fortunate.
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Stereo Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 11:12
Your words, as always, mean so much to me, Roxanne. I am doing my best not to make this into a “messy” break up by spewing details online but at the same time, I am learning that I have to stay true to my feelings by expressing them healthily and not bottling them up. This is what Papa T told me last night and I was grateful then too for his love and wisdom.
Knowing that you are there to listen to me and offer advice is something for which I can’t thank you enough. I love you and am grateful that you’re my friend.
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There is a little ache in my heart for you. But this much I know to be true: you can trust yourself to get you through the muddle. Your self knows the way. <3
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Stereo Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 11:21
♥ I’ll have to remember this on the days it gets hard.
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HOLY SNAP CRAPPY. I’m so sorry, Stereo. Really, really sorry. For the last few months, I’ve been a bit busy with my head stuck up my ass. I wish you healing and peace and chocolate.
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While my own life has had it’s own upheavals, I am sorry. I’m sorry for the burn and heartache that has and will keep happening. Your heart will cool from the bitterness and tentatively, you’ll walk again. You’re just too damned fantastic not to. The right one will come with something that at first blows your mind but then keeps you so steady, everything else will be exactly what it was meant to be- the lead up. You do know where to find me. I’m not gone. I’m just quiet. Sparkling Hugs. S.
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Holy crap. I too am sorry that I did not know. It’s been some time since I’ve been over to read here, mostly because of time constraints, and I had no idea you’d redesigned it, although I knew you were going to, and it’s beautiful. And although I understand you hadn’t wanted to broadcast widely that you had broken up with your beau, I am so very sorry to hear that. I cherished the stories you shared with us about your relationship so it never once occurred to me that it would end. I am so very sorry to hear that and trust that you are doing what you need to, to take care of yourself and go through the process.
I want to send you chocolate. Tell me where I send it.
Hugs.
Rita
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