Inspired by Amy over at Justatitch.com
1. Plaster Halloween paraphernalia all over every single store I frequent so that I can’t so much as buy shower gel without turning around and smacking into a life-size witch or a damnable pumpkin.
2. Start doing this in, oh I dunno, say August because of course people just need that much time to assemble their menagerie of bullcrap.
3. Show scary movies back-to-back-to-back. On every channel. Don’t you understand that I am literally petrified of horror films? The original Amityville Horror (watched at a friend’s 10th birthday sleepover) was so traumatising to me that I spent the entire time shaking and was dubbed “Trembles”. Kids are cruel and for the most part, lame.
4. Thrust cut-price confectionary in my face every time I visit the supermarket so that I have to physically restrain myself from throwing caution to the wind and just like, burying my head in a bucket-o-candy. Trying to lose weight here. Morons.
5. Use Halloween as a thinly veiled excuse to dress like Jezebel on the corner. Bees, contractors and Hermione from Harry Potter shouldn’t really be objects of lust. And I shouldn’t have to see acres of ass or crotch when I innocently walk to the store either.
6. Masks. This mockery of a holiday is the ONLY day of the year where young hoodlums and general degenerates are actively encouraged to hide their identities and run amok through the streets terrorising people like me. Try it. Go on. I’ve been itching to knee someone in the groin.
7. Badger and irritate me the whole year round and then turn up on my doorstep asking for candy as if you didn’t throw your litter into my back garden or say something disparaging as I walked past you the other day. Mandela chop. To the throat.
8. Continue to ring the doorbell and knock on the living room window when I have made it clear that your cries of “trick or treat!!” are GOING TO GO UNANSWERED. Move along.
9. Allow your offspring to hurl eggs at the unsuspecting passersby who aren’t clued up to the fact that you are raising the spawn of Lucifer himself.
10. Attempt to trick or treat when you are clearly 21 years of age. No child has designer stubble. Buy your own damn sweets.
11. Sway drunkenly and rowdily through the streets after 8+ hours of unabashed and fervent alcohol consumption. I resent having to step over your inert frame and dodge the multiple fountains of vomit erupting around me.
12. Torture and murder the jack-o-lanterns you finagled your parents into buying and spending hours carving, leaving pumpkin debris littering my front garden and driveway. Then smile about it. I dare you.
Y’know I have absolutely no problem with coming across as the Scrooge-like figure at this time of year.
I’ll be that.
I am every bit the curmudgeon I appear to be when October rolls around and stores become breeding grounds for all things orange and black.
I simply cannot abide Halloween. What exactly are we celebrating here? Satan’s birthday?
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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