I would suggest a great book called “Crash into me” by Liz Socurro. Fantastic read about one woman’s journey for justice in her sexual assault and she had a similar scenario to yours in which her assailant had emailed her several years after her attack.

Anyways, love this post and definitely a new follower here.
-Jessica

I read something a while ago that was the best response I’ve read to Daniel Tosh (and is so named). It tackles the issue of free speech and rape so eloquently:

http://austin.culturemap.com/newsdetail/07-12-12-14-37-the-best-response-weve-heard-to-daniel-toshs-misquoted-rape-jokes/

It’s terrible that we live in a world where this is commonplace, and where it is just as commonplace for the survivor of the assault; the rape; the attack; the violation (I hate mincing words about what it is- let’s call it. No bullshit pussyfooting around it) to internalise blame, to search within themselves and wonder, ‘did I do something?’ ‘is it my fault?. It’s absolutely unacceptable that our societies- across geography, class, any strata you can think of- constantly reiterate and reinforce these ideas; and that so much of it goes unchallenged.

I have mixed, mixed feelings about the whole Reddit thread. I think the fucking rape apologists on the damn board should be slapped seventy one ways to Christmas and back. Yet, I think it was an interesting insight into the mindset of these perpetrators- they challenged (however inadvertently) some theories of rape (it’s only about power). I think, for us to move forward on actually addressing rape and rape culture, we have to know what we’re dealing with.. and now, we have some insight to corroborate our assumptions. That’s the positive stuff I can find to say about this Reddit thread. The ‘what the fuck is this fresh load of shite?’ part of my reaction is due to the unashamed, unapologetic rape confessions on that board; and the reactions to them. I’m not sure what upsets me more- the confessions or the subsequent, ‘heh heh, yeah man. chest bump!’ kind of responses. In essence: you are all a disgrace to humanity and I want to kick you all in the fucking bollocks.

On the whole Daniel Tosh malarkey: y’know, I get it. I get that humour is a space for controversy; where we can have dialogue and move beyond something. I use it all the time when I’m doing reconciliation work within post-conflict groups. I get it. Humour is a powerful tool. But humour is just as powerful when it hurts, when it ridicules, when it perpetrates harm. And that’s what this is about- it isn’t just some fantasy fucking haha joke in a vacuum. The joke comes within a very specific culture that mainly targets 50% of the world’s population: women. It comes within a rape culture- a culture where it isn’t just OK to joke about rape, it’s OK to joke about actually committing sexual violence, where it’s OK to demean experiences of rape & dismiss them as ‘exaggeration’, where it’s OK to say ‘you probably asked for it’ and not have it be questioned.

See, rape culture is something that most of us are living with in our everydays- it isn’t about whether his stupid joke is going to make people go out there and rape others, it’s about whether his stupid joke continues to extend the life of this fucked up rape culture we live in. It’s about whether when someone turns to you and says, ‘I don’t appreciate rape jokes because it’s an all too real fear for me’; you look at them and say ‘Don’t be such a fucking baby about it’. That’s rape culture. That’s what this fucking mess with Daniel Tosh does: it normalises rape culture. It makes it OK that women live in fear, that women internalise blame, that women’s claims are dismissed, that women live with shame and guilt and pain and anger for someone else’s wrongs against them. And that shite is unacceptable.

I’m all for free speech- bring it on. I’m also all for telling you you’re a privileged pillock living off the inherited bullshit reign of patriarchy.

p.s. I was angry. I apologise for the potty mouth.

I won’t click on any links so I don’t know what’s up with the Reddit thread; it sounds awful and if people think that everything’s OK now that they’ve gone and confessed on an anonymous thread online, that’s just something I don’t even want to know about.

Can you tell I get upset about this? Lol.

If you ever want to talk about it, please let me know. Even if I just listen, I’d be happy to do so.

I did my best not to get into the whole Daniel Tosh thing because it makes me see red. I don’t agree with what he said but at the same time I will defend his right to be an ignorant idiot out loud. The whole Reddit thing just got me depressed, angry and then so very sad that people were actually like “oh hey, you raped a bunch of people but you’re so BRAVE for admitting it anonymously on this internet thread.” I was like is this actually what life has become? So sad.