10 Types of People I Don’t Understand
Firstly, this post could be endless because the types of people in this world who I don’t understand is not limited to 10. For instance, I don’t understand people who wear shorts with tights. And I don’t understand people who wear leggings as trousers. And I really don’t understand people who enjoy Brussels sprouts or those who think Rihanna is inspirational.
However, I was moved to write the following list because I have encountered someone from every single group in the last two weeks and that makes for a lot of bafflement.
1. The Button Presser
You know the ones. They saunter up and press the lift button or the traffic crossing button when it has clearly already been pressed. Because yes, the 8 of us standing here were obviously so inept and cotton-headed that it didn’t even occur to us to do this before you showed up and rescued us all with your quick and forward thinking.
2. The Train Squeezer
The person who jams themselves onto an over packed tube (and delays it because the doors cannot shut properly) when there is another train one minute behind will receive nought but eternal contempt from me.
3. The Gym Preeners
Why would anyone wear a full face of make up to the gym? You do know you are there to perspire, right? That you will sweat off your NARS blush if you are there to do what you are supposed to? Or have gyms turned into speed dating arenas and I simply missed that particular memo?
4.Complaining Airplane Aisle Passengers
You did realise that at some point during this 11-hour flight, the two people to your left/right would need to use the bathroom, didn’t you? If yes, why the beleaguered sighs or grunts of annoyance? If no, then seek medical advice for your malfunctioning bladder.
5. Fans of Two and a Half Men
Self-explanatory.
6. The Social Media Oversharer
Firstly, I realise that “oversharer” is not a word. Secondly, you who turn every relationship foible; every erotic exploit, every sound emitted by your loinfruit into blog/twitter/Facebook fodder needed to be herded together and locked in a room and made to listen to Conway Twitty on repeat all the livelong day.
7. Foursquare Users
You know what’s cool? Getting a free Frappuccino for checking into Starbucks 10 times. You know what’s even cooler? Not being murdered. While the allure of free stuff is great, it is still overshadowed by the creepy factor of people (who may or may not be psychopaths) knowing my precise whereabouts.
8. Readers of Kinfolk
To me, it’s just a vastly overpriced magazine full of pictures of hipsters sitting around twee wooden tables and eating artichoke salads.
9. Oblivious Parents
I’m just sitting here minding my business and suddenly I am looking at bath-time photos of children I do not know. Is this a thing? Surely you must know that nobody cares as much about your offspring as you? Also, for the parents of terrors, you cannot honestly tell me that you don’t see that Archibald/Petunia/Xerxes/Tallulah is not the child prodigy you think he/she is but actually a tool of Lucifer sent to torment us all. You know what would be refreshing? If more parents were like “we know Cornelius/Ophelia/LaShreeka can be a little shit but we’re doing the best we can,” that would own.
10. Wearers of Uggs
If you’re going to spend hundreds on something that is as comfortable as you purport it to be, why can’t you at least make sure it is aesthetically pleasing? The two are not mutually exclusive.
Feel free to add your own, folks.
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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The Scintilla Project
People with facial tattoos, People with Cats, People who don’t Believe in Zombies, and finally: people with asymmetrical piercings.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 10:29
Facial tattoos, I will never in my life understand. People with cats…meh, I see it. If you don’t feel like running around with a dog but still want a furry pal that will sometimes cuddle with you, then a cat seems like the perfect pet. People who don’t believe in zombies…that would be all normal people, wouldn’t it?
And asymmetrical piercings? You mean like scaffold piercings?
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M.A. Brotherton Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 13:54
ZOMBIES ARE REAL! THEY ARE A THREAT WE MUST FACE! FOR THE CHILDREN!
Cats *seem* like an okay pet… I suppose. But they’re just waiting for you to die so they can eat you without a fight. Maybe that’s what people are looking for, though. I’m not judging, I just don’t understand.
No, no… Like a person that has one side of their lip pierced. I’m not anti-body piercing, I am just anti asymmetry. It’s like, pierce both nostrils or no nostril, or better, pierce the septum so it’s all centralized anyway… the way nature intended.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 16:11
I’ll remain frightened of the threat of killer monkeys or an outbreak of a virus that turns people into kidney chewing psychopaths long before I worry about dead people coming back to life in search of brains. Also capitalism. That will kill us long before anything else.
I agree that cats have an agenda. I don’t particularly trust them. Even the cute ones. But once I’m dead. I don’t too much mind if they eat me. I would eat me too. PS. I don’t even have a cat.
Ohhhhhh I get you now. Hm. This doesn’t too much bother me. If people wish to look lopsided, that’s their own anti-symmetrical issue.
People who go to Kansas University. I mean, why?
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 10:31
I am not entirely sure if you are being sarcastic or not but this still made me chuckle.
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oh, how i adore you. “You know what’s even cooler? Not being murdered.” – ahahahaaha! i do love me some foursquare but i do try to keep privacy aspects in mind when using it. and we’re already discussing the uggs on twitter. everything else, I AM RIGHT ON BOARD.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 10:52
I think that you have fallen head over heels in love with social media and you’re in that honeymoon phase where everything is golden and grand and amazing. I commend you for this. I am much more cynical about everything.
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I completely and 100% endorse all of the above especially the first two. The fact the the ‘wait’ light is on should alert you to the fact that the button has been pressed…genius!
I would like to add a few of my own though
1) OAPs who think the fast lane is the place for a 30mph jaunt – move it!
2) Baby on Board stickers on car windows – so what do you expect me to do with that?
3) Kids who, despite seeing you coming in your car, decide that is the best time to run/sit/cycle into the road
4)Parents with small children shamefully smoking away – put it out!
5) Lazy and selfish people
I could go on, but I will stop there!
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 10:55
Number 3 is enough to make me face jail. My foot hovers precariously over the accelerator when I see this. It’s like, what are you trying to prove?
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I am with you on the Gym Preeners as my gym is full of them usually in designer gym clothes giving me the evil eye as I’m sweating away in my baggy shorts and t-shirts. Also I have moved to a whole city in love with Ugg Boots. If you grew up in Australia, in the 80s, Ugg boots were a type of slipper which you never wore outside least you saw someone you knew and got so embarrassed to be seen in your daggy Ugg boots. I can’t believe they are fashionable. They are slippers, people!
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 10:57
I HATE THAT. Just because I decided to come to the gym in clothes that are actually comfortable and happen to cost less than £400, why should I be given the stink-eye? It makes me livid. And you know how I feel about your assessment on Uggs. Everyone should know this.
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My turn:
Always – People who buy bottled water. (Questions for these people: Where do you think that water came from? How do you think that bottle was made? And what do you think is going to happen to that bottle when you’re done? Even recycling causes air pollution. Not to mention, drinking out of plastic that’s been sitting in hot warehouses after the chemicals have started to break down? Not a good idea.)
Lately – People who take their dogs on walks, actually do clean up after their dogs, but then leave the plastic bag full of poop on the ground. (It sounds implausible, but I see this at least once a week–in parks, no less. Question for these people: Do you know how long it takes for feces to degrade? About a week and a half. Do you know how long it takes a plastic bag full of poop to degrade? Oh, that’s right. It doesn’t. If you’re not going to actually toss the bag, why even bag it in the first place? Sure, nobody likes looking at dog doo, but it won’t be there long.)
P.S. I have not actually purchased a Kinfolk magazine, but I’m a little in love with it. Yes, wooden farm tables and baskets full of freshly-pulled carrots with dirt still clinging to them is so trendy right now. But, it’s so dreamy!
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:00
I see you have thought long and hard about these things! Perhaps start directing these questions to perpetrators when you see them – I for one would love to witness the reaction of one of them.
I will never understand Kinfolk. I think part of the reason is that they seem to focus on a particular kind of upper middle class customer.
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Worse – Uggs with shorts. If you’re feet are prepared for the Himalayas, your ass should be, too.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:31
Zing! Comment of the day.
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oh, you make me laugh…
my husband is a fan of Two and Half Men… but, well, that’s his problem.
my addition: “authentic” people. every time i see someone touting that particular phrase, well, let’s just say i think not-so-nice thoughts.
if i am breathing, i am authentic.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:18
It’s become a thing, this throwing around of pointless adjectives to try and elevate oneself when, as you said, we are all authentic.
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oh god, i am laughing my way through this and nodding at most.
i’m adding the thing made me so annoyed this morning. people who say that things are only negative if you think they are, and all you gotta do is think positive and all will be well. well, crap! i defy anyone to find something positive about auschwitz. they gonna tell me that all those people coulda just thought a bit more positively and things woulda worked out better? i am all for finding silver linings and hidden gifts from the universe, but sometimes stuff is just bad.
i’m also adding people who talk on their phone while in checkout lines.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:27
I COULD KISS YOU FOR THIS!!! I was actually going to put that on the list. It really irks me when people say “you’re just looking at it the wrong way” or who think that the world is really a place of sunshine and puppies if you simply “choose” to be happy. The hate. I feel it.
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I wear make up to the gym. Mostly because I typically go right after work and I don’t bother to go home and wash it off first. But I promise I’m there to sweat it all off and not try and catch some dude’s eye.
People I don’t understand?
Line jumpers. Where in their tiny little brain do they get the idea that they are so ridiculously special that the line that everyone else is waiting in doesn’t apply to them?
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 16:19
Line jumpers deserve ridicule of the highest order. “Where do they think they are going?” is the first question followed swiftly by “why do you think I won’t notice you?”
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Number 7 is killing me. I’ll add one more to the list: The Commute Perfumer. I don’t care if you’ve been on a plane for ten hours or a subway for ten minutes, why oh why can’t you wait till you’re off before you are spritzing your scent everywhere? Why do I need to smell like jasmine-lavender-citrus-patchouli because you felt compelled to aromatize yourself?
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 16:00
This is it, really. Because obviously one can’t wait the extra five minutes despite smelling the same for the last 6 hours, it has to be NOW. Sheesh. people baffle me.
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I’m a button pusher. Pushing buttons is awesome. I pretend I am in the future when I do it. I don’t do it on elevators because I then have to ride with those people in a small box, and I don’t want to worry them. But the crosswalk buttons in Kansas City say, “WAIT!” when you press them. It is very urgent, like, “HOLY CRAP YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE RUN OVER BY TRUCKS! STOP!” And then, when it’s time to cross it makes the sound of automatic weapons fire as if to say, “RUN MUH-F*CKER! THEY’RE SHOOTING AT YOU!” They are the MOST INTENSE crosswalk buttons in the world. I’ll record one for you today if I remember. The machine gun sound is systematically being replaced by a robot voice that tells you, “(Name of street) Walk sign is on!” in a rhythmic, sing-song robot voice. It is soul, crushing, but could probably be sampled for a dubstep song or something.
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Stereo Reply:
July 3rd, 2012 at 15:59
You’re cute when you ramble incoherently
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I like brussel sprouts
I do agree with the rest. Is it acceptable to by the Ugg slippers to wear in the house because they are so damn comfy I’m considering them as a treat?
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As always, you make me chuckle. Although, I hate to disappoint you as I am an avid lover of Brussels Sprouts as is AnneShirley. Especially good with Fennel and bacon! I have always wanted to TRY on Uggs because I’ve heard they are damn comfortable and would like to know what all the hubbub is about. But I agree they are ugly. In Montana – we always wore shorts in February with boots. LOL. It’s called Mountain Woman Tough. LOL!!!!!
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Thing that drives me absolutely bat s*it bonkers over hear in the States is people who walk ALL OVER an enormous grocery store, then can’t friggin walk 10 feet to put their cart in the cart “corrall” and just leave it in the middle of the parking lot. Dude. I yell my face off at those people. And then I become, like, #19 on your list (surely): People who get mad at others in public for their own pet peeves and start hollering at them.
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i love the button pusher statement! i always think the same thing. like, does that person think i’m dumb and didn’t push the button already? and how they must freak out when there is no button to push if it is on an automatic timer. then what?!
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