Firstly, this post could be endless because the types of people in this world who I don’t understand is not limited to 10. For instance, I don’t understand people who wear shorts with tights. And I don’t understand people who wear leggings as trousers. And I really don’t understand people who enjoy Brussels sprouts or those who think Rihanna is inspirational.
However, I was moved to write the following list because I have encountered someone from every single group in the last two weeks and that makes for a lot of bafflement.
1. The Button Presser
You know the ones. They saunter up and press the lift button or the traffic crossing button when it has clearly already been pressed. Because yes, the 8 of us standing here were obviously so inept and cotton-headed that it didn’t even occur to us to do this before you showed up and rescued us all with your quick and forward thinking.
2. The Train Squeezer
The person who jams themselves onto an over packed tube (and delays it because the doors cannot shut properly) when there is another train one minute behind will receive nought but eternal contempt from me.
3. The Gym Preeners
Why would anyone wear a full face of make up to the gym? You do know you are there to perspire, right? That you will sweat off your NARS blush if you are there to do what you are supposed to? Or have gyms turned into speed dating arenas and I simply missed that particular memo?
4.Complaining Airplane Aisle Passengers
You did realise that at some point during this 11-hour flight, the two people to your left/right would need to use the bathroom, didn’t you? If yes, why the beleaguered sighs or grunts of annoyance? If no, then seek medical advice for your malfunctioning bladder.
5. Fans of Two and a Half Men
6. The Social Media Oversharer
Firstly, I realise that “oversharer” is not a word. Secondly, you who turn every relationship foible; every erotic exploit, every sound emitted by your loinfruit into blog/twitter/Facebook fodder needed to be herded together and locked in a room and made to listen to Conway Twitty on repeat all the livelong day.
7. Foursquare Users
You know what’s cool? Getting a free Frappuccino for checking into Starbucks 10 times. You know what’s even cooler? Not being murdered. While the allure of free stuff is great, it is still overshadowed by the creepy factor of people (who may or may not be psychopaths) knowing my precise whereabouts.
8. Readers of Kinfolk
To me, it’s just a vastly overpriced magazine full of pictures of hipsters sitting around twee wooden tables and eating artichoke salads.
9. Oblivious Parents
I’m just sitting here minding my business and suddenly I am looking at bath-time photos of children I do not know. Is this a thing? Surely you must know that nobody cares as much about your offspring as you? Also, for the parents of terrors, you cannot honestly tell me that you don’t see that Archibald/Petunia/Xerxes/Tallulah is not the child prodigy you think he/she is but actually a tool of Lucifer sent to torment us all. You know what would be refreshing? If more parents were like “we know Cornelius/Ophelia/LaShreeka can be a little shit but we’re doing the best we can,” that would own.
10. Wearers of Uggs
If you’re going to spend hundreds on something that is as comfortable as you purport it to be, why can’t you at least make sure it is aesthetically pleasing? The two are not mutually exclusive.
Feel free to add your own, folks.
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Stereo. 20-something aspiring bon vivant. London based. Exceptionally Nigerian. Partial to snark. My default setting is "wry". Jeans and blazers are my uniform. Landlady. Speed reader, tuneless singer, hoarder of words, drinker of Schloer; I am suspicious of most people, have zero tolerance for tomfoolery, have a vast DVD collection, worship at the altar of Al Green, own too many bottles of nail polish, have small eyes, small ears and giant hair and owe approximately 86% of my awesome to the Parents Typewriter.
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