Look at these cute ass shorts I bought so I can wear them in the heat and feel less like a sweaty mess and more like a gently perspiring dainty feminine fairy princess
Bitch, it’s hot.
London is in the midst of a heatwave and none of us know what to do or how to function. This happens for a few days a year and we all look at the weather app on our iPhones while we’re at the office and think aww shit now, it’s about to be lit but what we should be thinking is how the incinerated fuck am I supposed to stay alive during a week of 30+ °C heat?. But we don’t think that because we’ve been conditioned to think that heat is excellent; that heat is glorious, which it truly is if you have the luxury of air conditioning which London certainly does not.
I peaced out of my job for the last time last week (more on that another time) which was just in time for the arrival of my wonderful friend who came to visit me for a couple of days before flying off to be glamorous in Ireland. I warned her that London was going to be hot and that she might want to pack accordingly. What I should have told her was to abandon all hope or maybe think about lining the gusset of her underwear with dry ice in order to keep cool.
You’re probably sitting in Arizona or in your weekend cottage on the surface of the sun thinking “this lightweight bitch and her complaining; it ain’t even all that hot,” and that’s where you would be dead ass wrong, friend. It’s hot as wool-wrapped balls and you’re damn right I’m going to complain about it. I feel like I got C here under false pretenses. She flew in Monday night and on Tuesday when we got up, the weather was downright pleasant. The sun was not being an obnoxious asshole and the breeze was sashaying through the trees in a Misty Copeland-like fashion. We felt brave enough to put on makeup without the threat of it sliding down our faces and ending up in our shoes by day’s end. We left the house and went into Central London to shop and eat sweet potato fries because isn’t that what you’re meant to do when you have a friend from America visiting and no job to trap you with deadlines and responsibilities?
We’re goddamn fools.